More than Useless
by HoneyLissaBee
Summary: ONESHOT! Paige Michalchuk's empire has fallen, and she finally comes to terms with the truth about herself and her past. Rated T for themes


**Author's Note: **_This is actually something from an older fanfic of mine that I've modified. It's not exactly the piece I intended on writing, but it's fairly decent- I suppose. I love constructive criticism. Please feel free to be harsh!_

_I do not own Degrassi. I wouldn't be struggling with being unemployed if I did._

More than Useless

If she could step into a time-machine and travel back in time, she'd do it in a heartbeat. She wouldn't travel back too far- just a few years or so. Back to the drama-filled halls of Degrassi Community School.

She ran the school, well- as long as you didn't count Heather Sinclair. Heather Sinclair was overrated though. She didn't come up with the _Spirit Squad_, and she was never voted as part of Degrassi's cutest couple in grade ten.

Heather Sinclair also wouldn't know drama if it bit her in her butt-implants. She _had_ to have butt implants by now, probably done at the same bargain basement place that performed the much-needed nose job.

Then again, she didn't see Heather Sinclair in L.A. with a broken leg propped up on a pile of pillows. Heather Sinclair wasn't a failure as a Hollywood star. Heather Sinclair wasn't a college dropout.

Paige Michalchuk was.

She hated herself for it. Ever since graduation two years earlier, she lost what little control she had left on her life. Somehow, in the midst of being part of the "most cursed" class in Degrassi history, she never had a panic attack until Banting.

She had always been able to take control somehow. Perhaps,it was a survival mechanism. Perhaps that's why she found herself _trying_ to burn her dorm room at Banting.

The worst night of her entire life would have been that night in grade nine when she _stupidly_ chose to try to get some alone time with Dean Walton. He was two years her senior, and- in the moment- pretty adorable. Pride had gotten to her; another girl at the party _had_ mentioned something about Dean, but Paige assumed it was jealousy speaking.

Making out was fine. He started to feel her body, and there was a rush. She had only kissed before, and it certainly was _not_ like this. Perhaps, that was the problem with never dating older boys. The boys in grade nine: Jimmy, Spinner, Craig, and Marco, for example, were so _immature._ Cute, each in their own _childish_ way, but Dean was a _man _in comparison.

A knot formed in her stomach. In a split second, the rush vanished. Dean stopped, opened the buckle of his belt, and pulled out a condom.

She tried to get away, but he pushed her down. He was bigger, stronger. She begged and pleaded for him to stop, but it was like he didn't hear. She never wanted her first time to be with a stranger. She wasn't ready.

Truthfully, she had been grateful that Ashley Kerwin and Jimmy Brooks were the ones under pressure to have sex after being together for eight months in grade eight. Everyone assumed Paige was the first of the group to go "all the way." After all, she was the first of the group to start "developing." She was the first to have a boyfriend.

Up until that night, however, she was a virgin.

Two years passed, and Dean Walton was found "not guilty" of rape. In an effort to gain control, she lost it. She wondered if this is how Ellie Nash felt in grade 10 when Paige found her cutting in the washroom. Destruction seemed to provide an escape from reality. For Ellie, it was with a compass on her arm.

For Paige, however, it was Spinner Mason's car colliding with Dean Walton's parked car. She wasn't even aware of what she was doing. Something else seemed to take over.

She was over it by now- at least for the most part. Ellie, Marco, and Griffin never knew that she still had to sleep with the lights on some nights. She still had nightmares and flashbacks.

Then, there was Rick. She never trusted him- especially when she realized how he was hurting one of her best friends. She knew it was her fault the bullying got out of hand. She was the one who lost her temper at him during the trip. She was the reason Rick and Terri were left alone- the exact thing they were trying to avoid by reluctantly allowing him to come in the first things gone differently, maybe he would have never pushed Terri. Maybe she wouldn't have hit her head on that block of cement and slipped into a coma.

Then, maybe everyone wouldn't have hated him so much. Maybe he wouldn't have been beaten and harassed every day.

Maybe he never would have shot Jimmy.

Paige still remembered what that day was like. They were all confused, scared; stuck in their classrooms and not knowing why. It _had_ to be a drill. At least, that's what she tried to convince herself- even after her mother called and told her that rumors stated there was a shooting.

Jimmy was in school that morning, but his seat in the classroom was empty. Nobody said a word, but Paige knew what they were all thinking. When Ms. Suave came by to talk to Hazel, their suspicions and worst nightmares were confirmed.

Less than an hour earlier, Paige was in the cafeteria laughing with a group of friends about Heather Sinclair's bad perm job when rick came in, still covered with yellow paint and feathers. She knew her reputation was at stake, but she didn't care. She slowly stood up and told Rick that she thought the prank that morning was "childish." He apologized, once again, for hurting Terri; she believed him.

Hazel was standing outside the classroom with Ms. Suave when Paige realized that the rumors were true. Then, she realized something else. Rick had his hand inside his backpack- almost as if he were reaching for something.

Her heart skipped a beat. _It was Rick_. A knot formed in her stomach as she replayed that moment in her head. Rick didn't have lunch that period.

Rick was in that cafeteria because of Paige.

He knew it all came back to her. Spinner and Jay were both expelled for the prank, but Paige couldn't help feeling responsible.

Yet, even with all the pressure of maintaining her reputation while dealing with being a member of the "most cursed class" of Degrassi, she'd give anything to go back. Maybe it was her "Queen Bee" status that kept her going. Even when everything seemed to go wrong, she still had something right in her life. After graduation, she was a nobody.

And it terrified her more than she'd ever admit- even to herself.

She knew Manny Santos deserved the part in the movie. She was the one Jason wanted to play Trixie the entire time- not Paige. Paige wasn't made for that part.

She just sat there, tears rolling down her face. It was all gone. Everything she worked towards as one of the most popular students at Degrassi had fallen to pieces at her feet. When they were enemies, Paige had been the one to convince Ellie to get help. Yet, even though they had become friends, Paige was too self-absorbed to see how much Ellie was hurting.

She dialed Marco's number again to apologize. It rang once before going straight to voicemail. He was right. Even though she told Darcy Edwards that she was long over the drama of High School, some things hadn't changed.

She was still the "same insecure little girl."


End file.
